Archive for True Blood Season 1

Favorite Quotes from True Blood Season 3

Posted in Television, True Blood HBO with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2010 by blondenews

The writing (and ad libbing) in True Blood provide so many good quotes, sometimes it’s hard to narrow them down. But I’ve tried.

(SPOILERS! Don’t read if you haven’t watched these episodes.) I’ve provided some context where necessary although, honestly, some of them may be even more precious without context.

Episode 11 – Fresh Blood

Lafayette, to Jesus: “Just LIKE a virgin.

Jason, to Crystal: “It’s like a werewolf, only a panther?”… “I thought it was shopliftin’ or something!

Eric, to Russell: “1,000 years ago you came with your solves to the Vikings. You killed a family. My family.

Mrs. Foytenberry, to Summer: “Damn it all to heck. Dagnabit.

Tommy, to Sam: “You’re nothing but Joe Lee in a Sam suit.

Sookie, to Bill (about their alterna-dream life): “We don’t even KNOW Eric Northman.

Tara, to Sam: “What crawled up your butt tonight?” Sam, in response: “Nothin. Expressin’ my feelings.”

Arlene to Doc (weakly, in finding out she hasn’t lost the baby): “Yay.

Eric, to Pam: “You know I love you more when you’re cold and heartless.

Episode 10 – I Smell A Rat

Sookie, to Bill: “I’m a FAIRY? How fucking lame!

Eric, to Yvetta: (You mean to me…) “less than nothing, you gold-digging whore!

Lafayette, to Jesus: “Them fuckers is a whole new dimension of trash.

Eric, to Sookie: “Do what you want. I won’t be around much longer anyway. I wish you the best, Sookie Stackhouse.

Sam, to waitress: “I got two rules in my bar. No dancing, no religion.

Jesus, to Lafayette: “Abuelo….He practiced black arts…. He had big plans for me.”

Eric, to Sookie: “If I meet the true death without having at least having you, Sookie Stackhouse, that would be my biggest regret.

Pam, to Eric: “Blah, blah, vampire emergency, blah.

Pam, to Eric: “You’re choosing a human over yourself, Eric? Over me?… You would have said, and done, anything to save Godric. I have no interest in inheriting your farm on Erhland(?). That place is a windy shithole. If you’re not going to give him Sookie, at least figure out how to use her. And fast.

Sookie, to Eric: “I’m not some kind of prisoner you can just lock up any time you feel like taking off.”  Eric: “Actually, you are.

EPISODE 9 – “Everything is Broken”

Jason, to Crystal: “Could you not make me a rapist?”

Eric, to Ginger: “Ginger, dear, where do you live?”

Pam, to Ginger: “We’re going to need your house. Now-ish.”

Eric, to “the authority”: “FUCK THE AUTHORITY! Russell’s words. Verbatim.”

Sookie, to Bill: “Normal couples do NOT do this, Bill Compton.”

Lettie Mae, to Lafayette: “You ain’t got your mask on. I can see you. My  son is shining thru. Did he do this to you?” Lafeyette, in response:  “No. Yeah. I guess you could say that.”

Arlene, re: needing 9 hours sleep: “It’s for the BABY!”

Hoyt, to Jessica (about his current girlfriend): “I hate her. God help me, but I fucking hate her. ….Everything is dolls… and she will not stop talking.

Franklin, to Jason You do realize I’m a vampire? …I’ll heal.” Jason, in response: “Not if I’ve got wooden bullets.”

Bill, to Sookie: “I know what you are.”

And, I think everyone would agree this was the line of the night:

Russell, to the TV viewing audience. “Now, time for the weather. Tiffany?”

EPISODE 8 – “Night on the Sun” The sexiest episode (and by that I mean lust and sex-filled, including best girl fight.)

Talbot, to Russell: “You’re acting like a century-old child.”

Eric, to Russell: “I enjoy a good head-ripping as much as the  next vampire, but…”

Eric, to Russell:  “Give me a chance, and I will show you just how deep my loyalty runs.”

Alcide, to Sookie: “I know you’re tougher than a one-eared alleycat….”

Jason, to Crystal: “What is it about you that makes me feel this way?” (Crystal: “What way?”) “Like I’m home.”

Jesus, to Ruby Jean: “Just give me the knife and let’s watch some TV.”

Sookie, to Alcide: “If I knew what was best for me, I’d have fallen in love with someone like you.” Alcide, in response: “Back at ya’. It’s too bad we’re so stupid, huh?”

Tommy, to Sam: “College? You really don’t know me at all, do you?”

Bill, to Jessica, “…it’s over (between me and Sookie). (J: “No way.”) “Way.”

Eric, to Sookie (via Hadleigh): “Russell is coming for you. Don’t trust Bill.”

Eric, to Talbot: “It’s been a long time since I’ve done this.” (T: “A man?”) “No, a vampire.”

Line of the episode;

Eric, to Talbot “Turn over…. Russell took my family. Now I take his.”

EPISODE 7 – “Hitting the Ground” The most serious episode.

Lorena, to Sookie: “No wonder Bill’s so in love with you. You’re delicious!

Eric, to Russell: “I remember everything.”

Debbie, to Alicide, Sookie and Tara,who are wrapping Bill in a tarp: “Vampire burrito? For me?

Jason, to Hoyt: “I never really thought I was smart enough to get depressed, but here I am. … Also, do you think she’s named after the champagne, cuz I’m thinking she was.”

Sam, to fighting dog: “Don’t you snarl at me.”

Claudine, to Sookie:  “It’s not safe for you any more. He will steal your light.”

Magister, to Pam, “I got you some silver earrings.” Pam, in response: “Excellent. They’ll match my chains.”

Russell, to Eric, about Fangtasia’s basement: “Love your place. Love the vibe. We must talk franchising later.”

EPISODE 6 -“I Got a Right to Sing the Blues” The bloodiest episode

Eric, to Russell (about Sookie): “Oh, it thinks we’re equals.”

Arlene to Jessica: “Please don’t kill me. I’m pregnant. (thinking) That probably just makes you want to eat me even more.”

Eric, with fangs, to Sookie: “I’m very close to getting something I’ve wanted since i was human. Do NOT get in my way.”

Jesus, to Lafayette: “I’m gettin’ kinda hard just lookin at ya.”

Russell to Sookie: “There’s a fine line between feisty and delusional.”

Bill to Lorena “I wish I had known you before you were made. Before you turned hard. I would have liked to have seen you smile, with light in your eyes, instead of darkness. That would have been something.”

Franklin, to Tara “Bite me. Bite into my flesh, taste my blood… Open me up. Taste me, drink me, feed on me. Kill me.”

Eric, to Talbot (about Russell):  (flirtingly) “Well I hope he knows just how lucky he is.”

Talbot, to Rusell “You never take me anywhere!”

Eric, to Russell “I remember everything.”

Queen Sophie, to Russell “You killed my guards.” Russell, in response: “Only a handful. The rest were surprisingly unwilling to die for you and have defected.”

Arlene, after Sam runs off after hearing about a mean pitbull. “Damn, everybody’s ignoring me today.”

Quote of the day:

Jason, to current ‘QB1’: “Here’s the difference between you and me…(thinking)…(thinking some more)….”

EPISODE 5 -Trouble” The funniest episode.

Russell, to Talbot “Darling, king!”

Talbot, to Tara: “Who’s a pretty girl, huh? You’re a pretty girl”

Franklin, to Russell “She wants to be with me.” Talbot, in response “Hence the restraints.”

Franklin (about Tara): “This one is spectacularly different. She’s such a fucking disaster. We could be TWINS!”

Franklin, to Tara: “You don’t know how much you love me!”

Jesus, to Lafayette: “I’ll hang. It’s only 9 hours. Got nothing else to do.” Lafayette: “Oh, Lordy.”

Crystal, to Jason: “Where’s your badge? Where’s your gun? Where’s your SHIRT?”

Tommy, to Jessica (about Hoyt): “He’s minor league. You’re a smokin’ hot vampire. You’re the majors.”

Jackson, to Tara, “Will you be my vampire bride?”

Favorite of the day:

Viking dad to Eric: “You can’t spend your life between a woman’s legs.” Eric, in response: “I can try.”


Sookie, to Alcide (after he advises her to “move on”): “Says the man who’s cookin’ breakfast in a wok cuz he’s too sad to buy a new frying pan.”

Terry, to Sam (after Sam mentions his folks won’t be coming around any more): “You sure about that? Cuz they’re grillin’ in the parking lot.”

Jason, to hotshot QB: “…girls suckin’ your cock, whenever you say ‘go.’ No offense, Tammy.”

Favorite line of the week:

Eric, to Lafayette: “That’s called ‘closing the deal.’ Let’s go RuPaul.”


Eric, to werewolf who dared him to kill him. “As you wish.” (Mostly because it’s also a line from my favorite book and movie The Princess Bride.)

Pam, to Jessica. “Did you call the hypothetical hardware store and buy a theoretical chainsaw?”

Terry, to Arlene. “If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard…I’d have 15 cents.”

Bill, to Lorena. “We can never love humans without bringing suffering upon them.”

Double-entendre quote of the day:

Eric, to Sookie: “I got your rug all wet.”

Favorite quote of the episode:

Eric, to Sookie. “He had a Mississippi accent. Can’t you tell the difference?”


Jessica, to Pam: “Let’s say that you did kill somebody – by accident. What would you do with the body?”

Eric, to Sookie, as she starts to sniffle/cry:  “Please don’t do that. It makes me feel (pause) disturbingly human.”
Ruby Jean (Lafayette’s Mom) to Lafayette: “This is Jesus. He’s a Mexican, but he ain’t raped me yet…. Wetback!”

Jason, to Sookie, after learning that werewolves really exist. “Bigfoot, is he real, too?”… “Santa?”

Terry, to Sookie: “I’ve always liked you. And I’d miss you if you got killed. Just so you know.”

This weeks True Blood words of wisdom – from Lafayette (to Tara): “Life ain’t not havin’ problems, Tara. It’s about being able to deal with the ones you got…. Look, the Buddhists weren’t lying when they said life is suffering.”

And on the menu: Cruelty-free Carbonated fresh blood, Warm blood bisque with rose petal infusion and blood gelato.


Arlene to Tara: “I’m sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, all right? But honestly, who here hasn’t?

Sookie to Pam: “I’m in no mood for lesbian weirdness tonight, Pam.

Pam to Sookie, dryly, as she makes no attempt to stop her from going into the basement, where Eric is busily involved in sex games with his new “dancer” Yvetta: “Sookie, stop. Don’t. Come back.

Eric, turning away from Yvetta, non-challantly to Sookie as he walks toward her fully naked: “So, what brings you to Fangtasia on this balmy summer night?

Lafayette, to his mother: “Bitch, you/me/bridge, ain’t never gonna mutherf*&#in’ happen.”

Pam, to Sookie (on looking around her house): “Now, why’d you have to go and kill that Maenad? She’s a terrific decorator.”

Jessica (to herself, on using newfound powers): “I am a freak of f*&@in’ nature.

And, this weeks True Blood words of wisdom:

Andy to Jason: “…conscience off, dick on, and everything’s gonna’ be all right.